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May 6th, 2007

10:51 am Even though they told me I was beautiful either way, it still hurts. I lost the one I loved the most. The guy I was sure was THE ONE. I still am sure. Do you know how it feels to want that person back, to want to talk to him, to want to hug him? It hurts so bad. Everytime I think I'm fine, no matter where I am, I will begin crying. It aches, it hurts. No one tell me to get over him, or call him an asshole. It's my fault I lost him, don't you think that hurts enough? I wish I would get another chance. I want to prove to him that I am better. That I have become better. That I am still dedicated to him even now when we're not together. I can't see myself with anyone else. The thought repulses me. I can't do anything without thinking of him. It's times like these that I wish I didn't love. But I love him so much. My friends make me happy most of all, but there are times when no one else, nothing else will do except him. Do you remember the fun? Our songs, us just holding each other, the conversations? I remember them and I smile because the memories are all I have left now. I've tried, but I can't stop loving you. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Alice in Chains - Dirt

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December 23rd, 2006

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October 11th, 2006

12:58 am - Hi, Perfect Well, I have chosen a path and I am going to take it. I can see it now, and my heart is glowing because I can see what is going to happen to me. That makes me feel better than anything. Seeing what I can be, what I can do. I do not like my future being empty and not knowing. I am OCD about a lot of things and I enjoy knowing everything. Everything being in its place, if you will. There is this good feeling swelling in my throat and I guess I am joining the ranks of those that know what they want out of life. Current Mood: content Current Music: Dane Cook - Vicious Circle

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October 3rd, 2006

05:23 pm - Back in the flow. . . sort of Well, I have finally decided what I want to do with my life. I want to become a director. I never realized the happiness I can get from just how awesome something is staged. Kathy and I are doing a small scene from Antigone and all I did was block the first three lines and I loved it. I was ecstatic for the rest of the day. Just knowing that there is purpose in my step, and drive and force in what I want, I am really pleased with myself. Even when I feel down I can start smiling a little again. And if Adrian wants to be the way he is, then fine. It will be his loss. So, Kieron will not be going to Homecoming. I also realized that, oh well. I do not know why but I just had this simple realization that I should not go searching for something when I already have it. I am also trying to get a little bit ahead in my classes. Now that I am finally starting Psychology 2 and Economics in a week or two. Not to mention Senior Project. I can not wait until this semester is over because I will be more relaxed. When I came home Monday, my room was trashed and I was highly irritated. Of course my mom did nothing, but that is just the way she is. When I do something I am admonished sternly. Whatever. I donot need this kind of irritation. As soon as I can, I will move out. Current Location: room/home Current Mood: blase Current Music: The Raconteurs - Blackjack Illywhack/Level

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August 2nd, 2006

06:36 am - Five days and counting So, school's starting, nothing seriously big with that. Besides the fact that it's my senior year and I just have to make everything go all right. Right? Neh! I think this year may be kick ass. Minus all the meetings they're going to make me go to. Gah! I need to get my permit. I'm sixteen dammit! On another note, things with Josh I can't explain. Things with him are just the way they are. They can't be changed or rearranged. Well, they can be, and I'm hoping for it. I also suppose I shouldn't put my hopes too high. I hate falling. I have to remind me mum to give me money for Thursday. I had to remind myself. Kathy's party kicked ass. I had fun, and that's all that matters. MySpace is such a fucking sham. People are just using it as another medium for their drama. But I guess anything can be turned into that, such as XBox Live. Enough said. MySpace is really nice for keeping in touch with friends, and that's just it. (In my opinion.) It also can shave about 15 minutes off of my boredom. MySpace is also used as another medium for people to whore thereselves. Can't contest with that, because some people will just do that naturally anyways wherever they go. Current Location: home:bed Current Mood: weird Current Music: typing

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July 25th, 2006

02:35 am - How I feel = Lyrics "Am I the one that's going crazy? I'm so tired of masquerading. We all pretend to be so well adjusted, maybe it's just me and I'm disgusting." "All at once the music stopped, the feeling went away. An ugly picture, me and you, but nothing I can change." "The open road is still miles away, hey, nothing serious. We still have our fun, oh, we had it once." "You're so blind. You can't save me this time. Hope comes from inside and I feel so low tonight." "I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets." "And there's gotta be more, much more than this. I got pages of dreams and they're covered in piss and the poison that took my soul keeps from feeling anything." Current Location: wall-less bedroom Current Mood: "..look at this morose mfer.." Current Music: fan

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July 12th, 2006

09:51 am - POTC: Dead Man Chest Spoilers EDITED (not AS much spoilers) Well, I've posted my days and what not throughout my other journals I have all over the intraweb and it's just generally one gi-normous post. It's just broken down as I see fit. For this specific blog holder I'm going to type about me seeing POTC: Dead Man's Chest. (There may or may not be spoilers in here so waaay before hand and even before I know I do, just turn around if you haven't watched the movie, or if you don't really care at all.) One of the greatest movies EVER, in my opinion. I loved what they did with it, but seeing that they have Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer, there was no general way they could fail. And the score, OH MY GOSH. I love that guy who did the music! I only caught his first name, Hans, but that doesn't change the awesome-ness of the man. Now, my friend Billy asked was the only reason that I was going to go see the movie was because I was in love with Johnny Depp. And I said no. Johnny Depp, IS an amazing actor, and he is an EXTREMELY hott Captain Jack Sparrow, but that wasn't my only motive for seeing the movie. I actually really like the director's work alot almost as much as I love Kevin Smith. And that's saying alot. But it's almost. But also because I wanted to see where they took the story, and oh boy they sure did take that story places. The beginning threw you smack dab into the middle of a conflict. They begin with a conflict and end with a problem. That's a good movie I say. And if you were watching the movie and didn't know about the 3rd one and were miffed at the ending, at laugh at you. Anyway, the beginning with their marriage ruined, WOW. I didn't get what the hell was going on at first. Keira Knightely with the whole wet dog look doesn't look half that bad. :P And Orlando Bloom in those fancy clothes is seriously HOTT. I strongly don't like the man cause he can make some ugly expressions, but he was great. In that outfit. Ever since the beginning, the conflicts and problems (whichever you will) never stopped coming, it was awesome! {This is edited out because it's too much of a spoiler and kill me.} That was just me describing generally all the problems that arose. And that's probably only 45 minutes of the movie. Maybe an hour at most. Another subject I must address before calling it an end is the CGI. I thought an entirely CGI character would turn out terribly. But knowing how they did the cursed crew in the 1st one hinted me in on how they worked that out. I thought they did swimmingly. My opinion here, but they made the scenes go really well. The kraken was a very nice touch as well. Generally, it wasn't that humorful as the first one. There were little things that would catch you and make you laugh, but as a whole, it was not a humor movie. You couldn't even lump it in as a second or third genre. I think action will fit it nicely. Random stuff about the movie I can't help but comment about: the after ending scene I knew they were going to have: I'm kinda happy they didn't kill the dog. I know most people were angry that that was what they were waiting for, but the CBP's ending wasn't all that great either. It was just funny and a nice little way of them saying: thanks for watching our credits. I learned that Johnny Depp has his own personal driver. No one else did. Just thought I'd mention. And a perfect ending for this entry but won't rival the ending of DMC, I LOVED THAT ENDING. Captain Jack's exit was a great as his entrance, as if not better. I knew he would get his hat back. That's when you know something his wrong with him, when he leaves behind his hat... *sighs* THEN, Will seeing Elizabeth kissing Jack. OUCH! You know there will be problems there. At the end when they're all drinking to Jack, they all say something good about him except Will. Leaves some good character conflicts for the 3rd installment. And the great way to end the movie and begin the next: {I cut this one out cause you would REALLY hate me if you haven't seen it.} It was really awesome. Now I REALLY can't wait for the 3rd one. ^_^ "Where's that monkey, I need to shoot something." "Look, undead monkey." "What's happened to my ship?" Current Mood: dead tired Current Music: caillou on tv one room down

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June 9th, 2006

08:48 am - it's supposed to be there Do you hold the phone when you're alone Imagine that it rings then hold it to your ear and wish that I was there to sing you off to sleep be with you in your dreams though the days I will be gone I'll be there in your dreams and in this song Current Mood: nervous

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June 4th, 2006

03:58 am - Scissors that don't cut I feel so crappy right now. I feel so depressed. I feel so ugly. I feel so, lost, alone, used confused. Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be normal? I want to not feel this way. I want to be happy. I want to not care. I want to be better. I want to be worth it. But I'm not worth it. I want to be so much more. Current Location: floor Current Mood: depressed Current Music: straylight run - sunrise highway

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May 30th, 2006

01:10 am - Relationshits So....um...yeah.....is there something about me that screams, "LIKE ME!"? Do I really look that desperate? It feels weird, when I notice people liking me, or crushing or obsessing. (I don't understand that one, but I already have had 2 guys in the past who were obsessed with me in the matter of days.) All of a sudden, why did I become a target for guys? "I wasn't out searching for love and affection." That's from some song, but the name I can't recall since it's lost in the hundreds I have in my head. I'm the same way I've been for years. I've always acted this way. I still looked the same. My face hasn't changed since 4th grade. I've been generally the same size, with a little poundage added, but still! It's nice being noticed, but what do guys see in me? What do they see in me that's so special? How come I can't see it?! What is so great about me now that I didn't have then? I look at a picture of him...and my heart feels like it's going to peel away. I know it's wrong, and I avert my eyes, but I can't help but look. I remember his eyes and how he looks at me. His eyes show such longing and desire, yet they are full of paitence. I yearn for him as well, but my heart and my mind can not agree. "You are worth waiting for." Am I? Am I worth it? "I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world." "U know I feel the same way. I miss u now." "Just wait for me" "What do u mean?" "Will you still feel the same months from now?" "Always" "Just give me time." "Ok" "I hope i'm doing the right thing. I'm afraid." Think of Me Phantom of the Opera Think of me think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in a while - please promise me you'll try. When you find that, once again, you long to take your heart back and be free - if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me We never said our love was evergreen, or as unchanging as the sea - but if you can still remember stop and think of me . . . Think of all the things we've shared and seen - don't think about the things which might have been . . . Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned. Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind. Recall those days look back on all those times, think of the things we'll never do - there will never be a day, when I won't think of you . . Current Location: Remington Current Mood: giddy Current Music: TV

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April 23rd, 2006

02:41 pm - Existentialism So I should be doing my term paper which I haven't made any headway into the 15 text part of it, but that's all cool. I'm almost done with the specific outline which is killing me, but I'm hoping will eventually help me write the actual project. As of lately I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I'm useing touch with all my friends latley and I don't want that to happen. I have so many bombarding emotions and weird reoccuring problems that I wish would go away. I want everything to be worth so much more. Or maybe it's worth too much. Yesterday I was at the PreRelease with Josh. I hate it when he gets angry. It really makes me feel like crap. He got mad because he gave up and only got 3 booster packs. Why get mad? I didn't win anything but I was still fine. Until he started whining about how he didn't win, but it's cool. We saw people from the last prerelease there. It was nice to recognize faces. Other people were there as well who were very nice. I love people who play Magic. There about the nicest bunch ever. ^_^ On a more glum note though, I feel sometimes that I'm just pressured a little too much. I hate feeling like I can't amount to anything and I hate people spending money on me, it gets really irritating. I don't know what's been up wiht me lately. I keep dreaming of a perfect life, and how things could be...and then I wonder, where does this all lead? Where does it all come to? Am I the only one wandering without a cause? Just to love someone hoping that his promises of forever will remain true? I do everything for him, and sometimes I feel as if he doesn't notice, and when he does, it's as if he wants redemption. Music is my only escape. Help set me free. I'm so sad and lonely. I just need to get ride of that factor and all will turn out all right. Right? Current Location: Remington Current Mood: down Current Music: I Used To Love Him - Lauryn Hill

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March 22nd, 2006

04:12 pm - Mer. You ever been alive when you wished for death? I have that sometimes...and others...I'm in between. Current Mood: blah Current Music: people

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March 11th, 2006

08:54 am - Just a Quiz You are a Social Liberal (68% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (31% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test Current Mood: awake Current Music: Alkaline Trio - I Was A Prayer

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February 27th, 2006

07:06 pm - Mer. No one reads this anymore. I'm slightly glad. I'm at the library again. Guess it's kinda sad it's the only time I can really sign on. Oh well. I'm hungry. I love Josh. And I love la Vie Boheme. ^_^ Wrecking Hotel Rooms is hott stuff. joe. Current Mood: alright Current Music: MxPx - When Grey Skies Turn Blue

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February 8th, 2006

06:22 pm - Josh is standing over my shoulder and everything's alright Alright, after all these days I finally decided to update for those of you that might actually read this LJ stuff. (If you fools had Xanga you'd be able to maybe see what's up. Myspace can do sometimes.) Anyway, I'm at the library just chilling out you know, all the cool people go here. (Man, if only I had more money, I'd hop over to Coliseum.) Actually I had to get a book for this book report that's due on Monday. I got it book. Women revolutionists in Ireland. It's awesome. (I just realized I messed up thanks to Josh, but so what, who cares?) Life has been really hellish with me right now. Everyone that I haven't been able to see: I'm really sorry. I guess this is just my way of handling the "break-up" of my parents. I rarely get to see my Mom anymore. It's like I don't mean anything to her, and I live with my GREAT grandparents in their 2 bedroom townhome. (I got the master bedroom.) ^_^ Alright! But it's not all that great. Any snack foods that I buy, my grandma eats, and any normal food that there IS my grandmother gives away because she thinks that I won't eat it. DAMN IT I'M HUNGRY! And last night my grandmother was nice enough to cook me food. but it was this HUGE ass German sausage that's all rubbery on the outside, and corn on the cob, which I HATE. So I just decided to eat crackers and KoolAid. (I ate some cereal before that, though. That's the only thing I have an abundance of.) I really don't see my mom much anymore. She doesn't give me money, so I have to scavange for food and money. My new saying now is: "There is hungry children in Nigeria! So you should start feeding the ones here!" Either that or "Feed that hungry black child from Nigeria. which would be me." It normally gets me money. hopefully I won't have to start turning tricks to get money. :P Just kidding. I'd never do that. If you see me standing on a corner it's because I'm waiting for Josh. ^_^ Josh: Yeah, update on my sexeh boyfriend. He's awesome. Hands down, no doubt about it. We all know I'm crazy though, and I do crazy stupid things. I nearly fuck shit up, but he still loves me anyway. I love that about him. There's no one in the world I'd rather be with than him. Yeah....I can be jealous at times, but not that much anymore. He's like the one goodo thi ng that I get to see at least 5 days a week without even trying. ^_^ Alright, I better get going, this is a long enough update. Haven't seen my boyfriend yet? ( Go underneath the cut for pictures. ^_^ ) Current Mood: WOOLALALALA Current Music: library noises

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January 5th, 2006

12:42 am - Quickie shit, I might be moving to Davenport. >_< Schedule: spanish 3 drawing 1 psychology 1 AP european I'm Josh's ditzy girlfriend. Pfft. Ditz this bitch. :P "I can still keep going." Current Mood: distressed Current Music: Muse - Thoughts of a Dying Athesit

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December 29th, 2005

04:49 pm - Worst, Best, Last So the winter break is almost over. I hope everyone had a happy Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Winter Solstice, whatever they celebrate. I really don't care what you had celebrated I'm just hoping everyone had a happy one. That said. So, life has been pretty much alright by my standards. I mean, I can't go moping around and whining about how terrible my life is. I mean, I am sincerely pissed off that I got uprooted from the screwy life that I became used to living, to eventually go and live in my greatgrandparents' town home. Taken away from my room which I realized I had made mine, when I started taking everything off the walls, and the monkeys and the dead roses, without everything there, nothing was my own. I loved that room. I miss my room. Each and every single poster, every monkey, though only two were named, my dead roses, the candles I didn't use, the change jar (that's now emptied) that didn't only hold change, my mirror covered with pictures and memorabilia, the vanity swarmed with my stuff, the plate that held pennies and anything else I immeaditely used, the greeness of it all, it either being pin drop neat or clothes and papers strewn everywhere, my collection of videogames, actual CDs, books, manga, burned CDs, I can not lie to anyone and say that I don't miss all of this. I do. But I'm not going to cry about it. I cried when I learned that I was going to be forced to leave with my mother, but where does crying get you? Nowhere. So I silently, and diligently packed up my belongings and called it a night. You get used to moving after awhile, and you get used to be unwanted. At least I do. So, I'm alright. Family is supposed to be the greatest thing to you. It's really hard for me to be selfish, but I can say, no one will ever hurt me again. "Like a rock!" ^_^ I had the privilege of enjoying my Christmas at Jany's house. They're like my second family, it was enjoyable. I'm really glad Yancy liked his gift. If he didn't, I would have taken it for myself. ^_^ But it is the season of giving. ^_^ Jany liked her gift. I had picked it out when I was in New York cause I had a feeling I would go broke by the time Christmas rolled around. (I know myself to well, I did. XD) Josh is coming home sometime today. ^_^ He's bringing home a bunch of Ravnica cards for my collection. I love him all the more for it, because he knows how much I love Magic cards. I can't wait to see him. He really wanted to see me today when he got back, but I don't that would've been possible, so I'm going to try and see him tomorrow after I go to the movies or on Saturday so I can spend the whole day with him, AND the New Year. I know how it feels to be alone for the New Year. 9th grade...that sucked balls. *smirks* This was long enough of an update. Someone tell my Tabby Cat, I should be seeing her soon. I think my sister is having a party at her house on New Year's, and I wanna know can she come. Just a thought. Later days, punks! Current Mood: alright Current Music: Victory Records Presents: Mosh!

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December 28th, 2005

04:00 pm - Empty I might post something. When I feel better. Melissa, sorry for the no contact. REally hard to do anything. I'm out. >*~Death is only the beginning.~*< As a note: I should change my LJ pics. Eventually. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Z88.3

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December 15th, 2005

06:08 pm - On the Floor He took a picture of me with a flower in my hair, drinking fruit punch, with the lake and the ducks in the background. He really makes me wonder some time. (I saved the flowers he gave me.) Update when I feel better. Current Mood: tired Current Music: news on tv

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December 4th, 2005

02:08 pm - This eventually will be an actual entry ( CAUTION: This entry may contain words. It will contain pictures. You were warned. ) >*~Death is only the beginning.~* Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Skindred - Jungle Bells

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